If you prefer characteristics on others that are different from the ones that you possess, does it mean you hate yourself? If you alter your features in some way, does it mean that you hate yourself?
A friend of mine who has the same type of hair as I do (but is relaxed) mentioned that she loves guys with wavy hair and can't stand nappy haired dudes (I think she was joking) and looked at me as if waiting for me to agree but I couldn't. I proudly rock my naps day in and day out and I had hoped that I was at least setting a good example for type 4 hair, but if she could say that around me I guess I'm not doing a good enough job.
My hair is "nappy". Extremely. Tough Nigerian hair and all that. I would be very hurt if I was rejected because of my naps and would never want to cause that feeling in anyone else.
If I had made that statement, would I be projecting self-hate? Is it as deep as black guys only liking light skinned girls or guys saying they prefer women with real hair and then listing people like Beyoncé as their ideal girl in the looks department?
I brought this question up with the Hunk and he said, "I don't think they're really looking at the hair, they're just hot." Is this true? He also said "natural hair just doesn't suit some people".
That made me pause. I don't believe that natural hair doesn't suit people. There is a natural style for everyone so that is not an excuse. In my head, I compare it to someone saying, "the nose I was born with doesn't suit me, I'll get a nose job", or "my dark skin doesn't suit me so I'll bleach it."
He added that in the world we currently live in, society and technology have made it easy to make changes so you don't have to live with your flaws. Shouldn't society be teaching people to love themselves for who they are, flaws and all?
Nobody is born with self esteem issues, people are conditioned as they grow and are taught to reject aspects of themselves. This is not something I want for my children. I would love for them to grow up confident and strong and sure of who they are. I want them to realise that physical beauty is not the be all and end all and that they are perfect the way they are, flaws and all. As a parent, I have to arm them with the assurance they need to face the negativity in the world, but it may not be enough. They will be bombarded with other people's opinions and the media's views and society's take on everything. Unless I decide to ban TVs in my house, and home school them, how will I help keep their self-image intact?
Now these are just my personal opinions and you're welcome to disagree with me (in a civil manner) but I would really like to know what you guys think.
8 comments:
I asked this same question in church one day because these women were talking about getting some work done. I said if God made us all in His image aren't we telling Him his work is flawed if we "fix" ourselves? That why I went natural. God makes no mistakes and I felt perms were me fixing a mistake. The church ladies never answered my btw, they just looked at me TWA and all...
I think people shy away from the 'self-hate' because hate is such a strong word but we have indeed internalized eurocentric standards of beauty
I once dated a guy who was born with one of his eyes almost completely shut. And he might not have liked this “flaw” very much, but you have to ask yourself, what is a flaw? Someone not liking some sort of physical defect such as a partially closed eye is totally different from someone not liking the color of their eyes or the texture of their hair. Those aren’t flaws. They’re just who you are.
I’ve spent a lot years not liking parts of who I am; the texture of my hair, my nose, my big feet, etc. etc. Most people don’t like the things that make them “different” …and it’s a really hard thing convincing yourself otherwise. I’m still sometimes upset by physical beauty standards that I feel like I just don’t measure up in. but you have to force yourself to realize that your “look”, your skin, your hair, your smile, your body…was no mistake. It is, exactly what it is supposed to be, and there is beauty in all the little things that make you different from the next person.
And the guy I dated (whose nickname was wink by the way)? I kissed that partially closed eye of his every time I was near him, because I loved that about him too. Even our “flaws”, can be lovable.
I think that people do have preferences, but you're fooling yourself if you think that personal preferences are not informed by societal preferences. We are bombarded with a certain standard of beauty from the moment that we are born, so it's not surprising that we might prefer a certain look. However, we do ourselves and everyone else a disservice by stopping there and just saying its our preference. Instead, we should examine our preferences and ask why we prefer these features and what this says about us. We're completely deluding ourselves if we think Beyonce is a beauty ideal simply because she's hot.
I completely disagree that natural hair does not suit some people. Hair doesn't suit or dissuit (I know that's not a word!), it's the style, cut and color that matters! If a twists don't suit you try braids or an updo or a twa or any of hundreds of other natural hairstyles.
Society isn't invested in teaching us to love ourselves because they benefit from self-hate. Whether its the company that sells you products/services to make yourself "better", the magazines/blogs that offer advice, or the "friends" who feel better about themselves when you put yourself down, there are entire industries and social patterns built around our self-hate.
I agree with Moni. I am a chocolate curly and I love chocolate men. I've had people assume that I would like light-skinned men and not dark...WTFreak? I love my skin and am attracted to the same in men. Society (family and friends included) have made me feel weird for being attracted to dark men. Also, at times making me think that dark men only like lighter women and that I can hang up my love for a dark man.
When Nik says that it's as if we're "fixing a mistake", it's 100% true. There are men and women that date lighter individuals to try to assure that their children are lighter....This is an issue. And I definitely think it is a form of self hate.
You hit it on the nail when you mentioned that your friend said, "that the natural look isn't for everybody"...
That was deep. He also went on to say "that society has provided technology,etc to help change our flaws"..
Makes me want to take my braids out right now and sport my fro! Lol.
I just want to say to everyone--fight. Fight daily to look at your "flaws" (which are only considered flaws because of society's standards) and embrace them. They are you.
I am truly baffled by the statement "natural hair just doesn't suit some people". It's a very self-defeating concept & way of thinking. Your friend might consider kinky hair a flaw for some? but I wonder if he has ever considered the way he thinks a flaw? (not trying to take jabs) Sometimes our perception is really the flaw not the supposed "flaws" themselves. Kinky hair is not a birth defect, it is not a genetic disorder, it's not an illness or disease, so why is it considered a flaw? Ask your friend to answer this question.
& another thing, it's funny how "natural hair just doesn't look good on some" when referring to kinky hair but when refering to naturally straight hair it looks good on evreybody. the straight hair of women of other races isn't even refered to as natural hair, it's just called hair. Don't mean to over-analyze things, but it's kind of absurd, you know!
The idea that certain things about ourselves should be tweaked and fixed till they reach our liking is a slippery slope... Like u said, skin bleaching and so on are extreme instances of this.
However, it is almost impossible to be completely free of social pressures... I practically begged my mom to let me have a perm just so I could have straight hair. For 16 years, I kept my natural hair cos she wouldn't let me get one... The funny thing is 2 years later, I wish I hadn't altered my hair from it's natural state.
Now I'm trying to transition (HELP!), I think the main problem is people do not have enough information to deal with being different from the social norm. For instance, people try their best to straighten their hair because natural nappy hair is "hard to maintain". Well so is constantly putting poison in your hair...
People just need to be presented with alternatives. Being aware of different images and perceptions of beauty would go a long way to prevent such self-defeating thinking as the desire to "fix" oneself.
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